the benefits of willingness
What does Dialectical Behavior Therapy have to teach us about reality acceptance and embracing change?
Willingness is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy distress tolerance skill focused on reality acceptance. Reality acceptance allows us to reduce our suffering and engage with the facts of our life with greater mindfulness. Willingness is readiness to enter and participate fully in life and living. Willingness is doing what is needed in each situation, wholeheartedly (one-mindedness), with openness to different possibilities. We are able to willingly and actively participate in our lives when we are in Wise Mind.
Willfulness and Clinging to Control
The opposite of willingness is willfulness. Willfulness is…
refusing to tolerate the moment
refusing to make changes
giving up
sitting on our hands
trying to fix what we cannot fix
insisting on being in control of reality
thinking rigidly and obsessively about what we want
It is easy to get stuck in resistance to change, lack of acceptance, and inflexible thinking. Willfulness has been embraced by our larger culture in the form of willpower. There is a prevailing belief that striving, white knuckling, and pushing is the best way, and the *right way* to succeed and thrive. We mistakenly believe we can always be and have what we want, when we want it, through sheer will. Sometimes this appears to work (which reinforces the irrational belief that we should have ultimate control!) But over time, willfulness gives way to frustration and self criticism when we recognize our pushing isn’t enough. Over time, feelings of despair and inadequacy can take root, and our efforts to control actually end up disempowering us and keeping us stuck.
The idea that we can fully bend, shift, curate our reality is compelling, but this desire is rooted in anxiety and Emotion Mind, not Wise Mind. It is difficult to let go of trying to push and force even when it exhausts us—because it is admitting that our control over our lives is limited.
So, why be willing?
Accepting that we have limited control over our reality is scary, but commitment to willingness has many benefits for reducing distress and suffering.
Willingness reminds us to observe our own willfulness nonjudgmentally, radically accept what we feel in the moment, and turn our minds and bodies toward acceptance.
Willingness grounds us in the present, helping us access Wise Mind and hold space for facts and emotions.
Willingness expands the “tunnel vision” we might have around a problem or difficult circumstance and opens us up to possibilities—new insights, strategies, and solutions.
Willingness helps us embrace dialectical thinking, pursuing lasting change through acceptance.
Willingness allows space for self compassion and healthy accountability.
Practicing Willingness, Step-By-Step
Observe that you are being willful. Slow down, be mindful, and experience it fully, noting thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.
Radically accept that at this moment you are feeling willful, and may be acting accordingly. Try not to meet your willfulness with more willfulness—adding on judgment only keeps you stuck!
Turn your mind towards willingness and acceptance. Wise Mind can help you see possibilities and supportive solutions that aren’t accessible when we are being willful.
Accept with your mind and body, try softening and opening your posture rather than tensing and clenching.
If willfulness feels immovable, ask yourself “what’s the threat?” and allow Wise Mind to ground you in a more balanced reality.
